What is a real relationship? At its core it’s about putting on the table what each person is really feeling and thinking. It’s about dealing with what I call “grass roots” feelings, i.e. the subtext underneath what we often choose to share instead. A classic, simplistic example: your significant other says, “How are you?” and you say, “Fine”, when you are anything but. What you really think and feel remains hidden beneath the surface.
When we hide our authentic selves in this way, we end up dealing with what I call “pretends” rather than what really is. I pretend I’m fine, so you respond to me based on a false premise. Your response may then be skewed or modified to reflect my pretend and now we’re that much farther from the reality of our feelings. And on and on it goes. Like a plane programmed with wrong coordinates that little by little goes off course, you end up at a completely different destination than originally intended.
Why do we choose to skirt our real feelings? Again, it’s different for all of us, but often it has to do with fear – fear of reprisal, fear of consequences, fear of rejection, conflict, emotions. Fill in the blank.
The crux of this problem lies within our own psyche, but before we can get past the fear we need to know it’s safe to share. Emotional safety requires two fundamentals: a mutual agreement to honest sharing and a commitment to do so without judgment and criticism. Partners in real relationships jointly create and commit to this kind of safety both when listening and expressing. Feelings and thoughts become neutral “emotion information” rather than something to be negatively judged and reacted to. When both partners mutually agree and commit to this kind of sharing and level of trust, powerful things happen in a relationship. It’s proactive and purposeful.
The old adage, “easier said than done” is probably more true here than anywhere else! The trick is to start small, agreeing to express and accept w/o criticism on the innocuous stuff that’s not so laden with emotion. If, during, an exchange, you start to feel criticism or negativity rising, this is your grass roots feeling, happening in real time. Own it, put it on the table as neutral information and, if needed, take a time out before moving on. Keep practicing, and gradually you’ll lose the pretends and start relating based on your authentic, true selves.
Obviously, this is complex stuff because we all come with baggage that can get in the way. Learning to listen to our own thoughts and feelings without criticism may be the first step. As expressed by Deepak Chopra, “The highest form of human intelligence is the ability to observe yourself without judgment”.
Grass roots living is learning to accept and love each other because of our authenticity, not in spite of it.
