No one would disagree that empathy is an important skill for relationship success. Women tend to know this intuitively and… men? Well, I do not engage in, nor am I advocating, gender stereotyping, but men, on average, struggle more with offering empathy than do women. It is a biological fact that women have more neural wiring to their limbic system (emotional center of the brain). Likewise, they have a greater abundance of the “bonding” hormone, oxytocin. Men’s brains – no news here – are more geared towards the rational, problem-solving side of life. Many men struggle to be empathic – especially in the workplace.
In coaching leaders to develop empathy, a characteristic I see common to many men, is that, in general, they more often equate empathy with consensus and/or agreement. In other words, “If I empathize with you then I am agreeing with you. If I don’t agree, why should I offer you empathy?”
In reality, empathy does not require agreement, opinion-sharing, buy-in or consensus. It simply requires that I “create and hold a space” for listening to and taking in where you’re at, intellectually and/or emotionally. I give you the opportunity to be heard while putting my own opinions and thoughts on the shelf. The determining factor is not that I listen, but that you feel heard – that I honor your feelings and thoughts regardless of whether or not they align with mine.
Because women connect more readily on an emotional level, this skill comes more naturally to them. Additionally, men have less verbal processing centers than women, so are less facile in language expression, particularly emotional expression – a disadvantage when trying to be empathic. So, it often boils down to what can really seem like just too much work.
A second common factor contributing to some men’s difficulty in offering empathy in the workplace is the mindset that it is a “distraction from what’s really important” – an irrelevant, time-consuming tangent from getting the work done. While it obviously takes an investment of time, the key here is investment. The trouble with negative emotion is that it has energy and it will go somewhere if it is not dissipated. The investment of empathy pays off in a return of not just giving that energy a place to go, but resolving it in the process. That’s the magic of empathy. It dissipates negative emotion and energizes and revitalizes one to move forward at a new level.
Think about it. If you’re bogged down by negative feelings not only is your mood affected, but your energy, levels of productivity and engagement are, too. Once those feelings are resolved, you are freed up to work to your potential. Employees are no different. If you want to improve relationships, increase engagement and boost productivity, acknowledge emotion when needed through empathic listening. That investment of time will pay off in spades.
Now, I’m not suggesting you become a therapist. I am suggesting that if you practice empathy, you will find others to be more open, and willing to give their time and energy to the task at hand. Emphasize the task, first, and things start to grind down. So, how does one develop empathy? While there is technique involved, it is, in essence, a conscious choice of how you relate to others. It’s a willingness to wholeheartedly acknowledge and take in another’s feelings – without judgment. As a manager, you will always have time to express your thoughts, opinions, and needs. Putting in the time to acknowledge your employees’ first, will build critical social capital, i.e. positive connections, that will go a long way in forging a new level of commitment on their part.
Bottom line: men do have some biological propensities to overcome, but empathy can be developed through desire, perseverance, and practice (more in future blogs).
In 2008 Towers Perrin released their latest Employee Engagement Study. The #1 driver for employee engagement – globally? “Senior management sincerely interested in employee well-being.” Translation: empathy. Developing an empathy strategy for your workplace (and life) – with the emphasis on sincerity – can transform your organization and personal relationships.
