Posts Tagged emotional intelligence

What Irritates You?

October 29, 2009 at 4:45 am · Filed under Communication, emotional intelligence, emotions, relationships, self-awareness, Uncategorized ·Tagged , , , , , , , , , ,

DC Cordova, a professional acquaintance of mine, recently posted on Twitter a quote from Carl Jung:  “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”  This is one of those beauties that bears repeating.  Actually, each time you read it, its truth sinks deeper.

Why is this so true?  When we experience a negative emotion, its source is not where we typically want to place it, i.e. externally.  Its source is from a place deep within that says, “Something I value is being threatened, here”.  In other words, all negative emotion is really just an indirect expression of a threatened value or a need within us that is being unmet.

If I am irritated at my children’s socks on the floor, it’s not because they are “slobs”. It’s because I value cleanliness, organization and cooperation. If I am bothered by my noisy neighbors, it’s not because they are “disrespectful jerks”, it’s because I need peace, serenity and respect.  There is great self-understanding possible if I am willing to look inside for the source of my emotion, rather than blame my child or neighbors. Yes, the socks and the noise are triggers, but not the source.  Obviously, children need to learn responsibility and accountability.  It is important that neighbors be respectful.  But, how I feel and respond says more about me than them.

A big trigger for me is having to wait in line, especially if the cashier, teller, or other individual I’m waiting on is on the slow side.  I start to become irritated and mentally begin a judgmental iteration of the not-so-flattering traits I see in Mr. or Ms. Slowpoke.  I can continue with my litany of judgmental labels, all the while feeling increasingly justified in my negativity, or I can own the reaction and connect it to what values are being threatened at that moment–efficiency, timeliness and competence.

As I look inside for the source of my emotion (not judging myself, either, for these feelings) I begin to learn what authentically makes me tick — the good, the bad, the ugly.  By acknowledging this I can then either find a way to meet these needs (maybe read a book or answer emails while waiting in line) or simply let go of the blame and take responsibility for reacting.  Bottom line: any irritation or offense I take is purely in me, not in that slow cashier.

It can be challenging to stop blaming or taking offense and own the irritation.  Our instinct is to do just the opposite and then justify our criticism and negativity. Next time you start to feel irritated, stop and ask yourself what is being threatened in you? Look for patterns in your reactions.  Don’t blame yourself, just observe.  You’ll find life irritates you a little less each day.

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Men and Empathy – an Oxymoron?

July 28, 2009 at 10:40 pm · Filed under emotional intelligence, emotions, empathy, engagement, Human Resources, Leadership, relationships, Uncategorized ·Tagged , , , , , , , ,

No one would disagree that empathy is an important skill for relationship success.  Women tend to know this intuitively and… men?  Well, I do not engage in, nor am I advocating, gender stereotyping, but men, on average, struggle more with offering empathy than do women. It is a biological fact that women have more neural wiring to their limbic system (emotional center of the brain).  Likewise, they have a greater abundance of the “bonding” hormone, oxytocin.  Men’s brains – no news here – are more geared towards the rational, problem-solving side of life.  Many men struggle to be empathic – especially in the workplace.

In coaching leaders to develop empathy, a characteristic I see common to many men, is that, in general, they more often equate empathy with consensus and/or agreement.  In other words, “If I empathize with you then I am agreeing with you.  If I don’t agree, why should I offer you empathy?”

In reality,  empathy does not require agreement, opinion-sharing, buy-in or consensus.  It simply requires that I “create and hold a space” for listening to and taking in where you’re at, intellectually and/or emotionally.  I give you the opportunity to be heard while putting my own opinions and thoughts on the shelf.  The determining factor is not that I listen, but that you feel heard – that I honor your feelings and thoughts regardless of whether or not they align with mine.

Because women connect more readily on an emotional level, this skill comes more naturally to them.  Additionally, men have less verbal processing centers than women, so are less facile in language expression, particularly emotional expression – a disadvantage when trying to be empathic. So, it often boils down to what can really seem like just too much work.

A second common factor contributing to some men’s difficulty in offering empathy in the workplace is the mindset that it is a “distraction from what’s really important” – an irrelevant, time-consuming tangent from getting the work done.  While it obviously takes an investment of time, the key here is investment.  The trouble with negative emotion is that it has energy and it will go somewhere if it is not dissipated.  The investment of empathy pays off in a return of not just giving that energy a place to go, but resolving it in the process.  That’s the magic of empathy.  It dissipates negative emotion and energizes and revitalizes one to move forward at a new level.

Think about it.  If you’re bogged down by negative feelings not only is your mood affected, but your energy, levels of productivity and engagement are, too.  Once those feelings are resolved, you are freed up to work to your potential.  Employees are no different.  If you want to improve relationships, increase engagement and boost productivity, acknowledge emotion when needed through empathic listening. That investment of time will pay off in spades.

Now, I’m not suggesting you become a therapist. I am suggesting that if you practice empathy, you will find others to be more open, and willing to give their time and energy to the task at hand.  Emphasize the task, first, and things start to grind down.  So, how does one develop empathy? While there is technique involved, it is, in essence, a conscious choice of how you relate to others. It’s a willingness to wholeheartedly acknowledge and take in another’s feelings – without judgment.  As a manager, you will always have time to express your thoughts, opinions, and needs.  Putting in the time to acknowledge your employees’ first, will build critical social capital, i.e. positive connections, that will go a long way in forging a new level of commitment on their part.

Bottom line:  men do have some biological propensities to overcome, but empathy can be developed through desire, perseverance, and practice (more in future blogs).

In 2008 Towers Perrin released their latest Employee Engagement Study.  The #1 driver for employee engagement – globally?  “Senior management sincerely interested in employee well-being.”  Translation:  empathy. Developing an empathy strategy for your workplace (and life) – with the emphasis on sincerity – can transform your organization and personal relationships.

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Grounding Emotional Intelligence

July 21, 2009 at 2:35 am · Filed under emotional intelligence, emotions, relationships, self-awareness ·Tagged , , , ,

Every time I mention the topic of emotional intelligence to someone, I hear something in response akin to:  “That is sooo interesting,” or “What a fascinating topic!”.  And I wholeheartedly agree.  But, the danger with this fascinating topic is that, without a concrete path to apply it, it remains just that – an interesting concept that one isn’t quite sure what to do with. I remember when I was first learning about EQ I struggled to get my head around what it really was.  It took some study and personal exploration – eventually leading to certification and now, Master Trainer designation. So, my journey with EQ has evolved, but one thing remains – it is universally applicable and highly personal at the same time.  That’s the beauty of it.

Where does one start with bringing this concept down to earth?  It starts with understanding oneself – developing an awareness and mindfulness of your own emotions without either getting hijacked by them or ignoring them as inconsequential. Emotions are the guideposts to our decision-making, so understanding how we feel is key to making good decisions that we’re satisfied with and that work for all involved.  Freud described self-awareness as having an “evenly hovering attention” while we watch our self feel and act.  It’s monitoring what’s going on in a dispassionate, somewhat detached way.

Start practicing this mindfulness whenever you feel an emotion welling up.  Let the feeling play out inside, trying not to get caught up in it – just watch, taking mental notes of what’s happening internally.  Look for patterns and triggers.  As you do, you’ll be building the foundational competency of emotional intelligence:  self-awareness.  It’s the first step in building a real relationship with yourself.

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