DC Cordova, a professional acquaintance of mine, recently posted on Twitter a quote from Carl Jung: “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” This is one of those beauties that bears repeating. Actually, each time you read it, its truth sinks deeper.
Why is this so true? When we experience a negative emotion, its source is not where we typically want to place it, i.e. externally. Its source is from a place deep within that says, “Something I value is being threatened, here”. In other words, all negative emotion is really just an indirect expression of a threatened value or a need within us that is being unmet.
If I am irritated at my children’s socks on the floor, it’s not because they are “slobs”. It’s because I value cleanliness, organization and cooperation. If I am bothered by my noisy neighbors, it’s not because they are “disrespectful jerks”, it’s because I need peace, serenity and respect. There is great self-understanding possible if I am willing to look inside for the source of my emotion, rather than blame my child or neighbors. Yes, the socks and the noise are triggers, but not the source. Obviously, children need to learn responsibility and accountability. It is important that neighbors be respectful. But, how I feel and respond says more about me than them.
A big trigger for me is having to wait in line, especially if the cashier, teller, or other individual I’m waiting on is on the slow side. I start to become irritated and mentally begin a judgmental iteration of the not-so-flattering traits I see in Mr. or Ms. Slowpoke. I can continue with my litany of judgmental labels, all the while feeling increasingly justified in my negativity, or I can own the reaction and connect it to what values are being threatened at that moment–efficiency, timeliness and competence.
As I look inside for the source of my emotion (not judging myself, either, for these feelings) I begin to learn what authentically makes me tick — the good, the bad, the ugly. By acknowledging this I can then either find a way to meet these needs (maybe read a book or answer emails while waiting in line) or simply let go of the blame and take responsibility for reacting. Bottom line: any irritation or offense I take is purely in me, not in that slow cashier.
It can be challenging to stop blaming or taking offense and own the irritation. Our instinct is to do just the opposite and then justify our criticism and negativity. Next time you start to feel irritated, stop and ask yourself what is being threatened in you? Look for patterns in your reactions. Don’t blame yourself, just observe. You’ll find life irritates you a little less each day.
