Since I last blogged about men and empathy, it seems only fair to give equal time to the female side of the equation. Women’s innate propensity toward empathy serves us well in our role of nurturer, mom, confidante. These have to do with the giving of empathy – it’s outward manifestation. Women, in general, are good at this. It seems, though, this very natural ability creates problems for us on the receiving side – meaning, that because we are so fluent in giving empathy, we tend to automatically expect it in return.
Case in point: I am sharing with my husband some frustrations I have with a particular pattern of response I’ve observed from him during recent conversations. I want him to not only know how I feel, but to empathize, recognize and validate my feelings. In essence, I’m looking for an organic, emotional connection and acknowledgment of the reality of my emotional experience. In other words, my emotional brain is looking to connect to his emotional brain, because that is what my female brain naturally does – but, guess what? This is not what happens. Instead of our two brains connecting on this same wavelength that is so innate to me, my husband responds from what comes naturally to him – via his rational brain. It’s not that he doesn’t understand what I’m saying; he can accurately paraphrase my words – but his understanding often comes from an intellectual place that can leave me less than satisfied. Sound familiar?
The female default response tends towards empathy; the male towards logic. It’s akin to “asyndetic listening”, when two people are completely disconnected in their conversation . I say, “What do you want for dinner?” and you say, “Did you put gas in the car?”. We are on two different tracks, focused on two different aims. As long as we stay on separate tracks, we will never have a full meeting of the minds – and hearts. So, how to bridge this gap?
It seems the first step is to understand our natural propensities from a brain-based perspective, realizing that our brains literally feel better functioning in our respective preferred modes. As a woman, what I really want is a level of understanding that my girlfriend would naturally provide, because this is where my brain is most comfortable. Not a realistic expectation from a male, so I’m most likely setting myself up for disappointment if I cling to this outcome. The male brain, with less wiring to its emotional center, is most comfortable in its logical, analytical, problem solving mode. Providing what my girlfriend does will most likely never happen. In fact, from his perspective, listening with empathy can seem like being trapped in a endless cycle of emotional exploration with no way out. Something his brain doesn’t handle very well.
So, foundationally, it’s about expectations. Our expectation of empathy and his of rationality. The good news is that they’re not mutually exclusive. Both are attainable. But, it takes a willingness to let go of our expectations and understand each others natural inclination without judgment – and with a healthy dose of patience.
Just as important as understanding our own propensity, having awareness and acceptance of our partner’s natural tendency is probably even greater. That doesn’t mean we forfeit our own, but that we accept what is natural within each other, and then work from this perspective. I let him know up front when I’m seeking empathy and periodically ask him to share with me what he thinks I’m feeling. This will help his brain to stay more focused on my feelings. On the flip side, I need to couple my emotional expression with exploring strategies that will move me to action and help resolve and bring closure to my feelings.
Together, this is step one to better aligning our “tracks” and bridging the empathy gap.
