In my latest podcast episode of the Real Relationships Show, I explore how to disconnect from this cycle of blame and begin building greater satisfaction, connection and authenticity in your relationships. Go to the Women’s Information Network (The WIN Online) at http://www.thewinonline/node24 and listen to Episode 7, Ending the Blame Game. Then, let me know your thoughts!

I think, in many ways, I initially jumped on the social media bandwagon because I felt compelled to do so out of fear that I’d be lost in the dust if I didn’t. “Everyone else is doing it, so I better get with the program!”  But, after my self-imposed absence (and a fair amount of soul-searching) I’m happy to say that I am ready to blog again. But, this time it feels different. While it’s always been about sharing insights with others, it’s also now about writing for me rather than because “it’s the thing to do”.

I hope my thoughts will  inspire and bring insight to you, dear reader friends, and that you will share in like kind.  Stay tuned……………………..

Susan

Why is this so true?  When we experience a negative emotion, its source is not where we typically want to place it, i.e. externally.  Its source is from a place deep within that says, “Something I value is being threatened, here”.  In other words, all negative emotion is really just an indirect expression of a threatened value or a need within us that is being unmet.

If I am irritated at my children’s socks on the floor, it’s not because they are “slobs”. It’s because I value cleanliness, organization and cooperation. If I am bothered by my noisy neighbors, it’s not because they are “disrespectful jerks”, it’s because I need peace, serenity and respect.  There is great self-understanding possible if I am willing to look inside for the source of my emotion, rather than blame my child or neighbors. Yes, the socks and the noise are triggers, but not the source.  Obviously, children need to learn responsibility and accountability.  It is important that neighbors be respectful.  But, how I feel and respond says more about me than them.

A big trigger for me is having to wait in line, especially if the cashier, teller, or other individual I’m waiting on is on the slow side.  I start to become irritated and mentally begin a judgmental iteration of the not-so-flattering traits I see in Mr. or Ms. Slowpoke.  I can continue with my litany of judgmental labels, all the while feeling increasingly justified in my negativity, or I can own the reaction and connect it to what values are being threatened at that moment–efficiency, timeliness and competence.

As I look inside for the source of my emotion (not judging myself, either, for these feelings) I begin to learn what authentically makes me tick — the good, the bad, the ugly.  By acknowledging this I can then either find a way to meet these needs (maybe read a book or answer emails while waiting in line) or simply let go of the blame and take responsibility for reacting.  Bottom line: any irritation or offense I take is purely in me, not in that slow cashier.

It can be challenging to stop blaming or taking offense and own the irritation.  Our instinct is to do just the opposite and then justify our criticism and negativity. Next time you start to feel irritated, stop and ask yourself what is being threatened in you? Look for patterns in your reactions.  Don’t blame yourself, just observe.  You’ll find life irritates you a little less each day.

When we hide our authentic selves in this way, we end up dealing with what I call “pretends” rather than what really is. I pretend I’m fine, so you respond to me based on a false premise. Your response may then be skewed or modified to reflect my pretend and now we’re that much farther from the reality of our feelings. And on and on it goes. Like a plane programmed with wrong coordinates that little by little goes off course, you end up at a completely different destination than originally intended.

Why do we choose to skirt our real feelings? Again, it’s different for all of us, but often it has to do with fear – fear of reprisal, fear of consequences, fear of rejection, conflict, emotions. Fill in the blank.

The crux of this problem lies within our own psyche, but before we can get past the fear we need to know it’s safe to share. Emotional safety requires two fundamentals: a mutual agreement to honest sharing and a commitment to do so without judgment and criticism. Partners in real relationships jointly create and commit to this kind of safety both when listening and expressing. Feelings and thoughts become neutral “emotion information” rather than something to be negatively judged and reacted to. When both partners mutually agree and commit to this kind of sharing and level of trust, powerful things happen in a relationship. It’s proactive and purposeful.

The old adage, “easier said than done” is probably more true here than anywhere else! The trick is to start small, agreeing to express and accept w/o criticism on the innocuous stuff that’s not so laden with emotion. If, during, an exchange, you start to feel criticism or negativity rising, this is your grass roots feeling, happening in real time. Own it, put it on the table as neutral information and, if needed, take a time out before moving on. Keep practicing, and gradually you’ll lose the pretends and start relating based on your authentic, true selves.

Obviously, this is complex stuff because we all come with baggage that can get in the way. Learning to listen to our own thoughts and feelings without criticism may be the first step. As expressed by Deepak Chopra, “The highest form of human intelligence is the ability to observe yourself without judgment”.

Grass roots living is learning to accept and love each other because of our authenticity, not in spite of it.

Two months ago I injured my foot during the simple act of stepping down a stair.  No twisting or tripping – just a straightforward, normal step.  Spent 6 weeks in a lovely cast/boot thing and now have a new-found appreciation for arch support. Physical therapy has become part of the healing process, wherein I’ve discovered that my big toes are quite inflexible. Rather than bending back 60 to 80 degrees (which is the norm), mine are lucky if they hit 45.  Is this all part of being middle old?

At any age, it seems no matter how strong or smart or “flexible” we think we are, we can always get stronger, smarter, or more flexible, but first we have to know objectively where we are.  I would never have known my toes were inflexible.  I have been ignorant of this fact. What does it matter?  Apparently, it affects your stride and gait.  So, if I can improve these things and become more physically fit, should I not work towards that end? I am now doing toe stretching and foot strengthening exercises each day.  Who would have known?

Seems like in many ways we can often be unaware of our own lack of flexibility and need others to help us open up to a more objective view.  What to us seems “normal” and reasonable may, in reality, be less effective and even problematic; another path might be just the one we need to take, for both our own growth and to benefit our relationships.  I may think my 45 degree toes are just fine because to me that’s the norm, when in reality my body would function much more efficiently at 60-80 degrees.  Will it take work for me to get them there?  Yep.  Consistent, daily stretching.  So it goes with us.  Consistent, daily efforts at developing flexibility in our thinking and in how we relate to others.

So, next time someone expresses an honest opinion or gives you feedback, maybe the best course is to take it in, look at it objectively and consider its merits.  You just might find a better way.  A billboard I saw the other day sums it up nicely:  “Flexibility creates options.”  On many levels, I might add.

Case in point:  I am sharing with my husband some frustrations I have with a particular pattern of response I’ve observed from him during recent conversations.  I want him to not only know how I feel, but to empathize, recognize and validate my feelings.  In essence, I’m looking for an organic, emotional connection and acknowledgment of the reality of my emotional experience. In other words, my emotional brain is looking to connect to his emotional brain, because that is what my female brain naturally does – but, guess what?  This is not what happens.  Instead of our two brains connecting on this same wavelength that is so innate to me, my husband responds from what comes naturally to him – via his rational brain.  It’s not that he doesn’t understand what I’m saying; he can accurately paraphrase my words – but his understanding often comes from an intellectual place that can leave me less than satisfied.  Sound familiar?

The female default response tends towards empathy; the male towards logic.  It’s akin to “asyndetic listening”, when two people are completely disconnected in their conversation .  I say, “What do you want for dinner?” and you say, “Did you put gas in the car?”.  We are on two different tracks, focused on two different aims.  As long as we stay on separate tracks, we will never have a full meeting of the minds – and hearts. So, how to bridge this gap?

It seems the first step is to understand our natural propensities from a brain-based perspective, realizing that our brains literally feel better functioning in our respective preferred modes.  As a woman, what I really want is a level of understanding that my girlfriend would naturally provide, because this is where my brain is most comfortable.  Not a realistic expectation from a male, so I’m most likely setting myself up for disappointment if I cling to this outcome.  The male brain, with less wiring to its emotional center, is most comfortable in its logical, analytical, problem solving mode. Providing what my girlfriend does will most likely never happen.  In fact, from his perspective, listening with empathy can seem like being trapped in a endless cycle of emotional exploration with no way out.  Something his brain doesn’t handle very well.

So, foundationally, it’s about expectations.  Our expectation of empathy and his of rationality.  The good news is that they’re not mutually exclusive.  Both are attainable.  But, it takes a willingness to let go of our expectations and understand each others natural inclination without judgment – and with a healthy dose of patience.

Just as important as understanding our own propensity, having awareness and acceptance of our partner’s natural tendency is probably even greater.  That doesn’t mean we forfeit our own, but that we accept what is natural within each other, and then work from this perspective. I let him know up front when I’m seeking empathy and periodically ask him to share with me what he thinks I’m feeling. This will help his brain to stay more focused on my feelings.  On the flip side, I need to couple my emotional expression with exploring strategies that will move me to action and help resolve and bring closure to my feelings.

Together, this is step one to better aligning our “tracks” and bridging the empathy gap.

In coaching leaders to develop empathy, a characteristic I see common to many men, is that, in general, they more often equate empathy with consensus and/or agreement.  In other words, “If I empathize with you then I am agreeing with you.  If I don’t agree, why should I offer you empathy?”

In reality,  empathy does not require agreement, opinion-sharing, buy-in or consensus.  It simply requires that I “create and hold a space” for listening to and taking in where you’re at, intellectually and/or emotionally.  I give you the opportunity to be heard while putting my own opinions and thoughts on the shelf.  The determining factor is not that I listen, but that you feel heard – that I honor your feelings and thoughts regardless of whether or not they align with mine.

Because women connect more readily on an emotional level, this skill comes more naturally to them.  Additionally, men have less verbal processing centers than women, so are less facile in language expression, particularly emotional expression – a disadvantage when trying to be empathic. So, it often boils down to what can really seem like just too much work.

A second common factor contributing to some men’s difficulty in offering empathy in the workplace is the mindset that it is a “distraction from what’s really important” – an irrelevant, time-consuming tangent from getting the work done.  While it obviously takes an investment of time, the key here is investment.  The trouble with negative emotion is that it has energy and it will go somewhere if it is not dissipated.  The investment of empathy pays off in a return of not just giving that energy a place to go, but resolving it in the process.  That’s the magic of empathy.  It dissipates negative emotion and energizes and revitalizes one to move forward at a new level.

Think about it.  If you’re bogged down by negative feelings not only is your mood affected, but your energy, levels of productivity and engagement are, too.  Once those feelings are resolved, you are freed up to work to your potential.  Employees are no different.  If you want to improve relationships, increase engagement and boost productivity, acknowledge emotion when needed through empathic listening. That investment of time will pay off in spades.

Now, I’m not suggesting you become a therapist. I am suggesting that if you practice empathy, you will find others to be more open, and willing to give their time and energy to the task at hand.  Emphasize the task, first, and things start to grind down.  So, how does one develop empathy? While there is technique involved, it is, in essence, a conscious choice of how you relate to others. It’s a willingness to wholeheartedly acknowledge and take in another’s feelings – without judgment.  As a manager, you will always have time to express your thoughts, opinions, and needs.  Putting in the time to acknowledge your employees’ first, will build critical social capital, i.e. positive connections, that will go a long way in forging a new level of commitment on their part.

Bottom line:  men do have some biological propensities to overcome, but empathy can be developed through desire, perseverance, and practice (more in future blogs).

In 2008 Towers Perrin released their latest Employee Engagement Study.  The #1 driver for employee engagement – globally?  “Senior management sincerely interested in employee well-being.”  Translation:  empathy. Developing an empathy strategy for your workplace (and life) – with the emphasis on sincerity – can transform your organization and personal relationships.

So, I am curious – and hopefully someone will share their perspective – why there is a tendency with some HR professionals to shy away from using EQ assessments in their selection process?  In general, I understand they are concerned about legal ramifications.  However, just as skills testing can give information about a candidate’s abilities and help make objective comparisons across applicants, EQ abilities can be compared through normed, standardized assessments, adding highly valuable information about an otherwise “unseen” skillset.  Behavioral interviewing techniques are essential, but will always include some level of subjectivity.  Adding a valid and reliable assessment tool would serve to substantiate (or not) an interviewer’s judgment.

I utilize the Bar-On EQ-i assessments, independently rated as the most reliable and valid tools on the market.  Global, highly respected companies use these tools, i.e. American Express, Air Canada, Mass Mutual, to name a very few.  So, I am sincerely curious to gain more understanding from the HR perspective as to why some are hesitant.

Lack of interpersonal skills and poor relationships in the workplace accounts for the vast majority of poor performance, conflict, low morale and reduced engagement and productivity.  Imagine a workplace where these skills were naturally inherent – particularly in leadership.  Couple this with high knowledge, skills and cognitive abilities and you have a true winning combination. Why would an organization not want to add EQ assessments to their hiring toolkit?

Your thoughts?

Where does one start with bringing this concept down to earth?  It starts with understanding oneself – developing an awareness and mindfulness of your own emotions without either getting hijacked by them or ignoring them as inconsequential. Emotions are the guideposts to our decision-making, so understanding how we feel is key to making good decisions that we’re satisfied with and that work for all involved.  Freud described self-awareness as having an “evenly hovering attention” while we watch our self feel and act.  It’s monitoring what’s going on in a dispassionate, somewhat detached way.

Start practicing this mindfulness whenever you feel an emotion welling up.  Let the feeling play out inside, trying not to get caught up in it – just watch, taking mental notes of what’s happening internally.  Look for patterns and triggers.  As you do, you’ll be building the foundational competency of emotional intelligence:  self-awareness.  It’s the first step in building a real relationship with yourself.